How to apologize to your child the right way

Parents are human. Sometimes, you say things you don't mean in the heat of an argument or express feelings in counterproductive ways. When you're in the wrong, it helps to know how to be humble. Knowing how to apologize to your kid for yelling or other mistakes will go a long way toward rebuilding trust and helping your kid understand that even when you're frustrated, you still love and support them. Everybody makes mistakes, and genuine apologies can repair issues and help you maintain a healthy relationship with your kids. Below, we outline some key steps to apologizing to your kids in a healthy way. 

Learn how to choose the right time

As soon as you make a mistake, you may want to follow up immediately with a heartfelt apology. But an apology won't land if your kid isn't ready to hear it. If you've frightened them or hurt their feelings, give them some space to think about what just happened and cool off before you apologize.

The most effective apologies happen when both parties can communicate calmly and begin working through the five R's of an effective apology: recognition, responsibility, remorse, restitution, and repetition.

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Acknowledge and validate your kid's feelings

The first R of apology, recognition, is about acknowledging your mistake and demonstrating that you understand why your kid feels the way they do. An authentic apology shows that you know what you said or did was not right. Don't dance around what happened, cut to the chase and name what you did that was wrong. Good apologies should be specific and show that you genuinely understand how your actions must have made them feel.

Accept responsibility for your actions

Even a concise apology should model accountability. Your apology should be unconditional and excuse-free. It's not always easy to accept when you're wrong, but modeling this kind of accountability will make it easier for your kid to apologize and accept self-responsibility in their own lives. It's vital that parents acknowledge fault, express genuine remorse, and ask for forgiveness.

Provide context without placing blame

Even the most caring parent may be affected by stress or frustration in other parts of their lives. It's entirely likely you're not frustrated with your kid — you might be angry at something else and projecting it onto your kid. That's something worth apologizing for.

Still, kids should understand that you're just a regular person. You get stressed out, anxious, and frustrated from time to time. Never blame your kid or make them feel like they're the reason you said or did something inappropriate, but do explain why you yelled or lost your temper using age-appropriate language.

Keep the apology clear and concise

Rambling apologies may obscure the point. Kids — especially young ones — need clarity. It's scary when a parent is angry at them. A good, concise apology should always include the words "I'm sorry." 

It may be as simple as saying "I'm sorry I yelled at you about breaking the vase. I overreacted, and I know that made you scared. I want you to be careful so you don't hurt yourself, but we can always get another vase."

Allow your kid to express their feelings

An important part of any apology is allowing your kid a chance to respond. They may accept the apology easily. They may surprise you by expressing that they were upset about something other than what you expected. An apology should be a learning moment for each of you and help you improve your communication with one another.

Moreover, they might have actually done something wrong to make you angry in the first place. Modeling your own apology should be an opportunity for them to apologize as well. For instance, if they set you off by saying a curse word, allow them to express how they felt about your reaction and give them an opportunity to acknowledge their own behavior.

Discuss lessons learned and make amends

An apology should evolve into a conversation. Speak earnestly with your kids about what you learned from this interaction and offer to make amends by doing something fun together. Tell them how you plan to improve in the future. For example, you might say, "Next time I'll try to take a deep breath instead of yelling at you."

Be genuine and use age-appropriate language

The most important aspects of an apology are that you mean it, and your kid understands it. An apology should come from the heart and be expressed with true remorse. Your kid should understand what you're saying, so make sure to use age-appropriate language and always say the words "I'm sorry."

Discover more valuable parenting insights

Understanding how to apologize to your kids is one of the most valuable skills you can learn as a parent. Gain more insights and tackle more parenting challenges with help from Greenlight's Learning Center.

FAQs about apologizing to your kids

What are the 5 R's of apology?

The five R's of an apology are recognition, responsibility, remorse, restitution, and repetition. Honoring all of these aspects will create a more effective apology.

How do you apologize to your kid for hurting them?

When you're apologizing to a kid for hurting them, be genuine, open, and honest. You should acknowledge and validate their feelings, accept responsibility for your actions, and use age-appropriate language to discuss the lessons you've learned. When you're done, make amends by doing something fun together.

What is a good apology example?

A good apology to a kid might be something like, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was frustrated and upset, but that's not an excuse to raise my voice. Can we talk about it?"

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